The Best Thing I Ate in the Netherlands

This isn’t to knock Dutch food at all. On the contrary, the two weeks I spent traveling the Netherlands with one of my dawgz in the lead-up to a Dutch wedding just over the border in Belgium was one that had this Big Body very content and stabbing fresh holes in his newly purchased belt with various hotel pens. There’s a comfort to the hearty, familiar dishes that I grew up eating and could undoubtedly carry me through a harsh, dreary winter. 

However, the best thing I ate in the Netherlands wasn’t Dutch. In fact, it caught me off guard with just how motha-flippin’ delicious it was. 

Maybe it was because I was beaten down from changing hotels every single day since I arrived. Or maybe it was because I was beaten down from failing to change underpants every single day since I arrived. Or maybe it really was THAT delicious. But here’s a little reminder that seemingly unremarkable and poorly reviewed restaurants can make a lasting impression. 

So, get out there and aimlessly wander. And make sure to pop in for a bite along the way.  

Introducing: the Döner Kebab Pizza

I’ve eaten more döner kebabs and dürüms in my life than should be feasibly possible for a single human (and likely isn’t advised by legitimate medical professionals). However, I’ve only had the pleasure of scarfing down a döner kebab pizza once before - in Vienna, many many moons ago - in the dark times right after a pangolin and bat made love while eating Italian gelato, leading to a global pandemic. 

I had also consumed my fair share of Stiegl beers that night so I can’t say that any comprehensible memory of the pie existed.

After landing at the start of the Dutch ‘Bible Belt’ in the sub-50,000 population capital city of Zeeland, Middelburg, I took a nap. I hit the bottle with my dawg a little too hard the night before in Rotterdam and also greatly needed some personal ‘Big Body Time’ (no, not that type you weirdo). Post-Big Body recharge (more of a 70’s Cadillac rather than 2024 Tesla)’, I ‘Google Mapped’ a kebab shop 2 km away in a mini-mall that I decided to trek to.

In my groggy state, I somehow tossed on my worn-down Sperrys which had several strategically placed holes right at the sole to easily allow rocks, glass, and water in. This was perfect as about 1 km into the walk, it began to rain and my shoes filled up with water quicker than the tandem kayak I rocked too aggressively with an ex-girlfriend in the front seat one summer. 

It also worked out well that the kebab shop had already been closed for several hours and had incorrect Google Maps information.

Lewd, Lascivious, Salacious, Outrageous!

It was time for an audible. So, I trudged the same 2 km walk back to Middelburg’s centrum (center) and decided to “wing it,” and walk into the first kebab shop that caught my eye (no Google Maps to steer me wrong this time). Through some form of divine intervention, ‘Eethuis Today’ was the first shop I encountered on my circumlocutory route back home. I popped in and left a noticeable snail trail of water behind me. 

Ravenous, delirious, and soggy, I took a gamble on the ‘Pizza Döner’. I hit the cashier with my finest ‘shukran’ and settled in as the only diner in the restaurant. I think this was appreciated, even though I came to learn the dawgz working were from Kurdistan (and ‘spas’ is ‘thank you’ in Kurdish). They tossed in a free Coke Zero and we fist-bumped. 

Cue the Holy Grail of döner pizzas. Salty, sweet, spicy, crispy, gooey, and soft (and a tad bit greasy) - all in a single bite. Both a creamy, tangy, garlicky white sauce and a tongue-shattering red sauce were placed in front of me - to customize accordingly. I was in döner heaven.  

I later looked ‘Eethuis Today’ up on Google Maps and learned of its sub-4 star rating. This gave me a moment of pause as I generally “play it safe” and avoid any restaurant in the 3s (except in Japan - as they are absolutely ruthless reviewers). 

Joe Dirt, the greatest movie of all time, holds a 9% on Rotten Tomatoes. But that’s never stopped me from re-watching it over and over and entering into late-night, boozed-up debates about why it’s the most underrated piece of cinema in existence (“Life’s a garden, dig it.”). 

What else was I missing out on my travels just because of my overdependence on Google Maps and treating it as doctrine? 

It was a much-needed reminder that judging a restaurant based on completely arbitrary online ratings may ultimately be doing more harm than good and diluting my travel and gastronomic experiences. This isn’t to say you should walk into a rat or cockroach-infested tin shack that would give OSHA inspectors a heart attack. But take a chance on somewhere new. Have a little gamble in you.

Website, Address, & Details: Eethuis Today - https://www.todayeethuis.nl/ 

• Location: Vlasmarkt 32, 4331 PE Middelburg, Netherlands

• Price: $ - a massive ‘Pizza Döner’ for €15 and sub €9 dürüms.

A Close Second

Oh, and this rump steak with marrow gravy and chipotle from ‘Putaine Restaurant & Bar’ in Rotterdam was a close second for “best things I ate in the Netherlands.” So, if you’re traveling to Rotterdam and looking for a top-notch chef’s menu with a waterfront view, make sure to pin this spot and head over to ‘Putaine’ and make a night of it. 

Website, Address, & Details: Putaine Restaurant & Bar - https://restaurantputaine.nl/ 

• Location: Antoine Platekade 996, 3072 ME Rotterdam, Netherlands

• Price: $$ - $$$ - 5 course chef’s menu starting at €82

Also, Putaine’s bread with herb butter was so addictive, that I spent the remainder of the night being visited by the Roman goddess of baking herself, Fornax. 

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Eat well everyone,

Big Body